Being Single isn’t Shameful, it’s Empowering!

When I look back at my choices in guys when I was younger, I think OMG what on earth was I thinking. I used to find it much easier to find a boyfriend. These days its not so easy and that is not because I have less options or because women are no longer attractive as they get older. It is because I am clearer on what I want and have higher standards. When I was younger I put up with so much shit that there is no way I would put up with now.  I didn’t know what I wanted. I liked the idea of finding some one and being in love, especially since I was insecure. Therefore I had this habit of jumping into relationships too quickly. I didn’t even think of the possibility of looking around because there were  other options and other guys out there that were more compatible. I created these fantasy versions of the guy I was with and fantasy version of how it was supposed to be, when in fact they didn’t represent reality or who the guy really was. Now that I’ve said good by to fantasy world, I don’t so easily fall for guys. I know exactly what I’m looking for, not that I’m looking but I know what I want for when I do meet some one.

When I first signed up to do online dating, I was asked by a few guys ‘what are looking for in a guy’ and ‘what do you want in life’.  I would think to myself ‘oh shit, I don’t actually know’. There’s all these things I had to think about, for example what are my values and beliefs? I had to ask myself what do I actually want out of life and a relationship? What things won’t I compromise on in a relationship. What traits do I want in a guy? Some of the things I came up with were he must accept my kids and preferably have kids of his own. He must  be honest, treat me with respect, be intelligent, emotionally mature, have a sense of humour, be supportive of things that are important to me, be attentive but not over bearing. He wants to improve so he can be a better version of himself. Being compassionate and wanting to make a difference in the world is an admirable quality. This is just a short list of answers I came up with but being clear about these things meant the majority of guys on these dating sites were not people I would actually be interested in.  It’s amazing how the tables completely turned. Now it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. There are so many options with online dating yet I can barely find any one that sparks my interest. Then even if I do come across some one I usually decide they aren’t right after chatting with them for a bit. It is so easy to waste your time dating heaps of people and the wrong when you are not clear about what you want.

I’m not in any hurry to find some one, I am happy with my life as it is. The biggest thing I have learned from it all this is that we can make bad decisions and have poor judgement when our actions are driven by loneliness and insecurity. Once I found my own self worth with in, then I would only find a man who’s worthy of me. I am a complete person on my own, I don’t need any one to make me whole. No one can complete me, although one day some one may compliment me.  Most of all, I can live a happy and fulfilled life being single. I have had things said to me like ‘why are you single, some one like you shouldn’t be single’ but I ask ‘why do I have to be with some one’? Why one earth would I want to waste my time being with some one for the sake of being with some one. I prefer to use my time and energy on some one who is worth it. Being single is empowering, it is a wonderful opportunity to learn more about myself and focus on the things that I am passionate about. Then when some one comes a long, it is an added bonus.

 

 

The Impact of the Internet and Porn on Sex

I briefly wrote about my experiences with casual sex last year and they were absolutely awful. I had spent years shut down in my marriage and was really dying for a connection. I was conflicted about meaningless one night stands yet I also wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. I did make this clear but of course there are guys that will do anything to get just one thing and then discard you like a piece of rubbish. I was quite naïve because I’d never dated or had one night stands. I think I had a sign on my head that said naive and vulnerable because I attracted the wrong type of guys. Some guys are really good actors and I think my radar was switched off. It was a huge blow to be lied to, used and manipulated for sex. I basically wasn’t a person, I was just a number and a way to get off.  Growing up my Mum used to tell me to wait before sleeping with a guy because then you know that they like and respect you. I actually think it is good advice, in an ideal world women can experiment, enjoy themselves and feel empowered but in reality it’s not always the case.  I understand there are women who take the good with the bad and are happy to continue experimenting with casual sex. I respect their choice. My experiences last year were traumatic enough for me to not want to participate in casual sex. Aside from traumatic sex (I’ll go into more detail later in this blog), there’s shit sex and then there’s too many arseholes that only care about themselves getting off. It’s a waste of time for me and I’d prefer to be drinking tea and watching Netflix. I can take care of my own needs much better than any man can. Yes physical intimacy is something we crave and I hope to be intimate again with some one in the future who likes and respects me.

In this day and age there is a big hook up culture. When I was sixteen and in high school it was normal for a lot of girls have sex with their boyfriends and I do have some friends who have had a period of experimenting with casual sex, but that was before smart phones, the internet and social media. Sadly today many teenage boys grow up on porn and they think that is how sex is supposed to be. There is a big difference between two consenting adults who have a mutual interest in BDSM, at least they have a safe word, compared to boys who grow up on hardcore porn and then try to act it out during sex because they think it is normal. These are two completely different things. They don’t understand women and they don’t know how to show emotion or be intimate. Which of course most young men  learn these things as they mature. What I’m talking about is much worse than the typical young man who was around I was younger. Of course the typical young man usually has one thing on their minds but how some treat women and act during sex seems to be worse. There are also young women also think this is normal and that they have to put out. I have younger friends who are afraid of losing their boyfriends if they don’t sleep with them and they have only been today a couple of weeks or not even official yet.

Last year I had a terrible very drunk one night stand which left me bruised and with flash backs of being chocked, forced to do a blow job that made me gag and then awaking alone in the car in a car park with the doors unlocked. It was a shameful moment and the experience that broke the camels back. I had separated from my husband earlier that year of ten years and it was only eight weeks earlier I had been date raped. The first three months after my break down were very emotional and then the following five months I was constantly physically sick. I had so many tests but nothing showed. On wards and upwards, I’m beginning to feel good and it was only last night I watched a couple of documentaries.  I discovered choking during sex was a thing.  I found out a friend because a friend of mine had the same thing happen. I googled it and sure enough it is a thing. Another friend of mine said she had a guy try and spit into her mouth and that spitting was also a thing. I didn’t realise until last night a forced blow job was a thing. The documentary was about teen girls aged eighteen to nineteen who were promised money, glamour and popularity. At first they were amazed at how much money they were making, how many followers they were getting on social media and how much of an ego boost it was to be treated like a princess and have guys want them so badly. They ended up in some really messed up situations. Abuse porn is a big thing and it is where the girls are raped and abused on film. One of the girls was forced to do a blow job and it was so hardcore that she vomited and the guy forced her to lick it up off the floor. They may have agreed to it and were getting paid but I don’t think they realised what they were getting into because they looked traumatised. Most of the girls didn’t last long doing porn and returned to their families shaken, wondering what on earth they were doing and why did they want money so badly.

I understand there are people out there who are happy to have casual sex, who aren’t monogamous, that there are people who like porn and who have fetishes. I’m not going to judge, I’m all for free choice, people feeling empowered and doing things they enjoy. What I have trouble getting my head around is why totally unemotional sex with out respect is such a big thing. Nearly one third of all internet pornography clips contain physical acts of aggression. Women are the targets of that aggression 94% of the time. It is as though the rise of the internet and social media has actually disconnected us more instead of connecting us. It seems it is more common to be socially awkward, lack emotional depth and the ability to be intimate. So many people are engrossed in this digital world that they lack connection to the world around them.

While watching the life beyond porn it was interesting to hear one of the women say that it is all acting and that they don’t feel anything during sex, it is just like a cavity being filled, for example putting a finger in your ear or nostril. It feels like a nothing. One of the ex male porn stars said it is dehumanising and even after leaving, you can never escape it. Some one will always recognise you and that it is the same people that were jacking of to you who shun you. Another former male porn star said it is very animalistic. The documentary was actually a bit sad how some women want attention and to be accepted that much, that porn temporarily gives that ego boost. I didn’t find it surprising that some end up alcoholics and taking drugs. Some had difficult childhoods and were abused, some were single Mums. I’m aware that there are people who love doing porn and who revel in it, but there are a lot of people who don’t and are there for other reasons.

Whatever peoples reasons are for doing things, they still made choices. Just as I got myself into the situations I was in last year. We don’t always make choices that are good for us. That’s life and in my experience, all I can do is forgive myself, see it as an experience and some lessons learned. I can’t do much about my past, but as a parent, I do worry about my kids. Statistics say 40% of kids has watched porn by the time they are 14 years old. I do plan to talk to my kids about my experiences when they are older, I even want to show them documentaries like these so they are more educated. I want my girls to be informed and to have a strong sense of self worth so they make good decisions and are able to say know when something doesn’t feel right. I want them to do things because they truly make them happy and fulfilled, not because they lack self worth or short term money. I want them to know their worth and not to accept anything less than they deserve. I want to raise my son to be understanding of women and to treat them with respect. Sex is the oldest profession in the world, porn is not a new thing and casual sex has always existed  but I think the dangers are much greater since the rise of the internet and social media.  Our kids have to deal with things like online bullying, online dating, online porn, grooming and pedaphiles. These are things we never had to deal with when I was younger. At some point kids  when I was younger may have stumbled across a play boy mag or a porn video but it was not something that was easily accessible or that we were constantly bombarded with. It seems like the world is a minefield when it comes to parenting and I’m going to have a navigate this minefield.  I know I can’t live my life in fear, living in fear isn’t much of a life. All I can do is my best. I would love hear peoples thoughts and feedback on this blog)

(note: some of the information in the blog is from the  Netflix documentaries ‘Life Beyond Porn’, ‘Hot Girls Wanted’ and ‘Turned On.’)