Antibullying Week 2018


This morning I went to my daughters school for an anti-bullying fundraiser which was hosted by one of our local radio stations Star FM 104.5. The theme for the fundraiser was big bows and crazy socks. It was a great morning with a sausage sizzle, face painting, plaster painting, games and the school choir. I think it is a fantastic thing how schools these days are really making an effort to say no to bullying.

I have been inspired to put together a video for anti bullying week. This is important to me because I was bullied at school and it did have a big impact on my. I do not want my kids to ever be bullied and I do not want them to be the bully either.

This is a snippet of what I have said in the video;

“It is so important to be kind
Because we are all human beings
No one is better or worse
We are just different
And different is what makes the world interesting
Being unique is not a hinderance
It is our strength
Whilst it is normal to not always get along with everyone
It is never ever ok to bully any one
Making people feel uncomfortable and excluding them
Hurting them by kicking, hitting, pushing, tripping, etc.
Name-calling and spreading nasty rumours
None of these things are ok
Whether it is ok or on the internet
Treat others as you want to be treated”

Please watch the whole video to hear the whole story.

International Women’s Day 2018

What is international women’s day all about? Officially it is a celebration of the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women and a call-to-action to progress gender parity. In my own words it is a celebration of women, a celebration of our achievements, progress, journey and individuality. We are beautifully unique and have something unique to offer this world. Women’s day is about being confident in our own bodies. It is about with out hesitation, being able to do the things that make our hearts sing and be our true authentic selves. So many of us struggle with in ourselves, to and be these things. We are held back and society holds us back. We try to be what we think we should be but are we truly courageous enough to be who really want to be? Are we able to let go of our conditioning about what we think it means to be a woman, the unrealistic ideals and pressures of  the past, the media and even social media.

In many ways we are blessed because we have achieved so much, we have so many rights and freedoms compared to many women in other parts of the world, however we still are not equal.  Women pay more for household items, make 16% less than their male counterparts and are under represented in government. We still shoulder most of the household burden regardless of whether both partners are working or not. Sadly women are more likely to be the victims of stalking, sexual assault, domestic violence and live in poverty. Sexism is still very much alive. From a small child up until now I have experienced sexist comments, derogatory name calling, bulling, stalking, sexual abuse and domestic violence. I am one of the 1 in 3 who has experienced domestic violence and 1 in 4 who has experienced sexual abuse. There are many people out there who have had much more horrific experiences than me but it is still not ok in any form. It was only a couple of days ago, I can’t remember where I read a post by a man and it said:

I said to my “worst scenario with online dating is you have a bad date”
My date replied ‘worst scenario I am raped or killed”
That’s when I finally got it…..

#IWD2018 #Internationalwomensday #PressforProgress

You can do it!

can do it blog (2)This phot of me is from September 2017. It was only last year I wrote about how much progress I had made with fitness and how I was back to my pre-baby weight. It was the first time I had ever made it past that threshold from having to continually motivate myself to it becoming a habit. I no longer had to motivate myself. I craved exercise and I was so energised. Then Christmas came along and it’s pretty common to eat more and exercise less.  I think that is why so many have losing weight and fitness goals in the new year. Three of my weekly classes stopped pretty early in December, the crèche at my gym only closed between Christmas and New Year. Yet today was my first day back to the gym after six weeks. I really notice how my fitness levels were much lower than six weeks ago. I quickly became tired and had to take it much easier. Having a two, going on three week period, minus a couple of days doesn’t help with the tired levels. Periods suck!

On Sunday I hoped on the scales at my Mums and it looked like I had put on 5kg. I thought to myself ‘oh no, I lost 9 kg and have put 5kg back on. It was only 2 days ago I hoped on my digital scaled and it turns out I had only put on 3kg. My Mums scaled must have been out. After getting on the scaled at my MumsI felt a bit down about it because late November/early December I had pretty severe anxiety and a bit of a break down.  I was drinking a bit too much and it’s only since the new year that I’ve started to come good but still not quite there yet. I know getting back into exercise will help a lot, so will regularly meditation. There were ridiculous amounts of tension in my body when I wasn’t exercising. I have fused vertebrae in my neck and I when sixteen I had whiplash from being in a car that rolled. I also have a pretty weak upper body; the exercise was helping to strengthen it. These things combined with stress and anxiety caused headaches but I was able to manage it if I had maintenance visits to the chiropractor. When I was exercising regularly I also wasn’t getting headaches because the exercise greatly reduced my anxiety and stress levels. Therefore, I had less tension in my body. Recently the headaches came back and my last one was like a migraine. It was one of those headaches that makes you nauseas.

School is now back, I’m in a better space and so glad I have taken the first step of going to my first class today. I’ve heard it takes 21 days to form a habit. So, I expect it will take a few weeks to get back into it but I now know that I can do it if I persist. I have done it before so I can do it again. There are few things such as upper body work, sit ups and planks that can trigger my neck to go out again. I know I have to be care with these exercises and ease into them. It is likely I might end up at the chiropractors again but at least I now know if I persist, then my upper body strength will increase and my tension levels will decrease. I always thought I had to avoid these types of exercises but I now know that I can if I work at it.

I really want to work on some health, fitness, wellbeing and creativity goals. Last week I downloaded an app onto my phone to help me achieve these goals. I can enter my goals for each day of the week and then tick them off when I achieve them. Reminders can also be set if I need them. I need an app like this because I tend to get so busy with kids and work that I forget things.  It can be hard work always finding the time and energy in our busy modern lives, especially when we have kids but I think we can achieve anything we put our minds to. We just have to really want it, be patient and take baby step. Most of all don’t be hard on ourselves. I say this to myself too because I the person that I am the hardest on, the most critical of and the most judgemental is myself. We are allowed to have a rest and down moments. We are only human. No one is super mum.


Entering the Void

Have you ever felt you are in ground-hog day and on autopilot? Sometimes it is too easy to get caught up making sure we do the basics and keep on top of our responsibilities. Life just gets so busy and we forget to our own inner work and examine how we are thinking and feeling. Why do we think the way we do? What are our values and what is it we want out of life. May be we know these things but don’t take any real me time to reflect, process and be creative. When we get so absorbed in our busy modern life, we lose touch with ourselves.  That is until everything comes crashing down and we are stopped in our tracks. It may be our body that caves in and get sick, it may be our minds that have a mental break down or difficult life events happens. Things such as death, separation or illness. Often it takes a life altering event for us to wake up. For me it was more of an internal event than an external event. 


Picture by Blaize Pacall

One day I woke up and it was as though I had been numb, shut down and asleep for years. When I awoke I felt I suddenly had all this energy and was finally able to be there person I had never been able to be. Before this I  just plodded along and had never questioned my marriage. We didn’t talk or connect much, it was as though we were just existing in the same house but  it still was a rude shock for me when I could no longer see a future with my husband. I no longer felt for him like a wife should feel for her husband. I wondered why I had never realised that before but I how could I realise anything when I had for so long been so busy, disconnected and practically just a physical body who wasn’t there in any other way. I really did not know what to do because despite knowing marriages don’t always work out, I had this deep seated belief that marriage is for life and there should be a pretty good damn reason if it doesn’t work. A reason such as domestic violence, gambling, cheating etc. He was a good person but I felt being with him triggered my anxiety and brought out the shut down in me. Were these good enough reasons to separate? Was I putting my needs above my kids? Was I being selfish? Should I have just stay ed and forget myself? Does it matter if I felt dead inside? All these thoughts went over and over in my head. What I felt deep inside and what I believed were two completely different things. I was so conflicted and I didn’t want to hurt my husband either. Deep with in my gut I knew  had to go to truly be me, the better version of myself and therefore a better parent. . It was very difficult on him but since leaving my day-to-day anxiety has decreased, I am more myself and I feel I am a better parent. We also get on much better now. I won’t rule out getting back together one day, but for now it has been a good move and I am not ready to be with any body.

Recently I had another experience where it was as though a light switch had suddenly been turned off and I could no longer see my goals, purpose or where I was heading in life. I questioned who am I, what am I doing? I could not answer those questions. It was as though there was nothing and I wondered where it all went. The experience was very unsettling and uncomfortable.  I wanted to grasp onto something just to get my bearings but what could I grasp onto? It’s too easy to fill the gap with going back to my ex, jumping into another relationship or drinking too much alcohol.There are so many ways we try to fill that void. It was such a bizarre experience and reminded me of the red pill, blue pill scene out of ‘The Matrix’. Do I hold onto who I thought I was, everything I thought I wanted and all my current beliefs? I could have just taken the blue pill and continued living in illusion but instead I chose the red pill. I realised I didn’t have to fear the void I was in but instead to trust  and embrace it.  It was as though everything that was no me had to be taken  so I could see clearly. It was  opportunity for me to let go of everything that isn’t truly me so I had the confidence to be my true authentic self, find happiness with in and as a result be a better person, a better parent. The void forced me to be honest and get real with myself.

Neither is new wine put into old wineskins. If it is, the skins burst and the wine is spilled and the skins are destroyed. But new wine is put into fresh wineskins, and so both are preserved.”

Matthew 19:7

A Buddhist Rice Bowl

 It’s Something To Think About. . . .

“In Zen Buddhism, there’s a concept called ‘zen mind,’ or beginner’s mind.’  They say that the mind should be like an empty rice bowl.

If it’s already full, then the universe can’t fill it.

If it’s empty, it has room to receive.

This means that when we think we have things figured out, we’re not teachable.  Genuine insight can’t dawn on a mind that’s not open to receive it.

Surrender is a process of emptying the mind.”

                                  ~ By Marianne Williamson, “A Return To Love,

Reflections on the Principles of A Course In Miracles




Go for it!


IMG_20170417_095736 (copy)
One of my pastel drawings I did in 2017

My Mum is brilliant artist. I have never been as good at art as she is. I’ve always tended to write more, however I don’t mind drawing occasionally. I discovered pastels and I quite enjoy doing pastel drawings. This is a heart pastel drawing I did last year.
I think we worry way to much what others think. Now this coming from me is like the pot calling the kettle black. Through out my life I was probably the queen of worrying too much about what others thought but I got tired of it because I wasn’t enjoying life as much as I could have been or really going for my dreams. I was holding back way too much and I realised that I was worrying about what others though because I needed reassurance. I wasn’t able to find that reassurance with in myself. I was constantly doubting and criticising myself. There fore I was seeking approval outside of myself. I mentioned in my previous blogs that we already have all the love, all the power and all strength with in. We can’t find it elsewhere, we create happiness within. I needed to find these things with in and only when I began to find them with in myself was I able to not worry so much about what other people thought.
I realised I just had to be myself, follow my heart and do the things I love. No more holding back and no more bringing myself down. Nothing and no one else was bringing me down, they didn’t have to, I was doing a good enough job of that myself. Many times I have said writing is my passion. Yet it brought so much inner conflict because I so much wanted to write, yet I held back out of fear. Fear that my writing wasn’t good enough, fear that I would say the wrong thing and upset some one. A part of me felt I had so much to share, yet another part just wanted to hide under rock.
I had to push past my insecurities and go for it any way. Writing is not only my passion but my purpose for writing out weighed anything that was holding me back. A big part of wanting to write is share my story and I hope to encourage, empower and inspire people, especially women who have gone through similar things. No matter what you are going through there is always some one out there experiencing or who has experienced the same. We aren’t alone and no matter how hard things get, we can rise above them. I’m very passionate about shining a light on mental health, domestic violence and sexual assault. I want to shine a light because I’ve experienced these things and I want to help others who have experienced these things. I think raising awareness is important but also education. I think society has made progress with awareness but there is still a lot of misconceptions out there and sadly these type of things are far to common. Ideally it would never happen but that’s a bit unrealistic to expect. I think domestic violence and sexual assault statistics can be greatly improved. I believe as a society, as friends, family, co workers we can better understand these things and support each other. These are my reasons for wanting to write, far out weigh any discomfort I may have.
Helping people to rise up again and sharing our stories makes me feel I have purpose in my life. I feel I’m doing something worthwhile and contributing my little bit to society. It might not be a lot, but I’m still doing my bit and it happens to be with something I love. What ever makes your heart sing, do more of that. If you want to find your purpose in your life, then follow the things you are passionate about., they will lead you to your purpose. No matter what you do, some one is not going to like it. We can’t please every one, so we may as well do what makes us happy. As much as I want to share my story, connect with others, yet also try to be respectful, thoughtful and tactful when including others in my writing, there will always be some one who takes it the wrong way. There will always be some one who doesn’t like it or judges and that’s fair enough. every one is entitled to their own opinion. At the end of the day I have to follow my heart and be true to myself. It is impossible to please everyone. No matter what it is that you are doing, if you love what you are doing, then I encourage you to go for it.













Yes you are worthy!

Men! They can be a woman’s greatest dream, a complete nightmare or something in between. Many of us go through so much of our life wanting to be loved and to find the right guy. Yet as we get older we realise nothing outside of ourselves can fill the gap. A guy isn’t the missing piece in our life. We can only be whole when we realise that we already have all the power, all the strength and all the love with in. Don’t let any one else make you believe otherwise, even that voice inside your head that tries to bring you down. I have had some really valuable lessons with this recently, I thought I knew it well but I guess I still had more to learn and more growing to do.

Last year was an absolute shocker for me with men. It really made me question my worth. I went through a difficult separation with me ex and he went off the rails for a while. Then there was the 11 women guy who pretended he was interested in me and wanted more than just a one-night stands . I was clear I wasn’t ready  for  anything serious but at the same time wasn’t into meaningless one-night standards. I know I can’t do purely phsycial with out liking the other person at all. It turns out he lied and manipulated me just to get sex and then afterwards cut me off. I was one of eleven women and it t really shook me up at the time I questioned myself because I wasn’t able to tell the difference between what is genuine and what is good acting. I wasn’t in madly in love but I did like him and think he was a decent guy. I didn’t expect much but I wasn’t expecting to be used and discarded like an object. I don’t think a bit of honesty and respect is too much to ask but I guess you can be disappointed no matter how reasonable your expectations are.

Then there was the very drunk one-night stand with a work colleague which  turned out to be the worst experience of my life with a guy. I drank a lot, so my memory is a bit patchy but what I remember was not good at all.  I know with casual sex there isn’t supposed to be that intimacy or  feeling that you have when in a relationships with someone but no matter how casual sex is, a woman still wants to feel wanted, sexy and as though the guy is into her. She wants to enjoy herself too but I didn’t feel any of these things at all. Not one bit of pleasure, it was as though I was just an object. There are other things that occurred which I thought you’d only do if the woman specifically requested but I won’t go into detail about that. Afterwards I feel asleep and woke up at 5am in the car park freezing my arse off. I realised I hadn’t even locked the doors. We had both been drinking, so none of us would have given our best performance. Even though it was terrible, the drinking made it more forgivable. The thing I that found hardest was afterwards he acted different and has been avoiding me ever since. I did try to talk to like normal but his responses were very short, he barely stopped to talk and kept walking away whilst I was still talking. I thought it was quite rude, so I gave up on trying to continue on as normal like it was before anything happened. I don’t have the time of day for anyone that doesn’t have the time for me.

Shit experiences happen, especially when drunk., get over it move on, At least I didn’t have to see the 11 women guy again, it was just harder to do when it was someone I already knew and see regularly. Then add to that, he has the reputation of being the town bike and I was not only one who has had a really bad experience with him. I now know we all our experiences were pretty much the same. For the past five years, I had always liked and respected this person but now that has changed. My perception my have changed but I do not dislike him or think he is a bad person. I do not think either of these guys are bad people.  I know everyone has their own issues and is not perfect. I am very far from perfect, therefore I’m not pointing fingers at any one. I was an active participant in these situation and no one can make you feel anything. Our emotions are products our own thought processes. So why blame anyone else when I needed to check myself. I had to look into why these experiences where such triggers for me. The only person I have control over and the ability to change is myself. How, when and if these guys do any self-work is their business, it is not mine or any one else’s. It’s not place or any one else’s to judge.

Last year may have been a difficult  year but I have a lot be thankful for. Obviously for kids, family, friends, good health, having a job etc; but I am also thankful for all the difficult people and experiences in my life. They have  made me stronger, more certain of who I am and gain a stronger sense of self-worth. Now I wonder why I was letting anyone make me feel insecure. The way they were is a reflection of them; it was not a reflection of me or any of the other women. It does not say anything about us; it says everything about them and who they are.  The way I dealt with it and reacted says everything about me and where I was at the time.

I was aware things like this happen and that many women in their late teens and early 20’s experience this sort of thing, along with casual sex and dating. Here I am at 37 years old and I can say well I have now experienced dating and casual sex. When I joined up to do online dating, I did it for the experience because I had always just jumped into relationships too quickly, with the first person who came along and never took the time to look around. I wanted the experience of meeting different men and consciously not jumping. That is exactly what I did (for dinner and coffee, not sex) and I met some nice people but none of them were it or any one I would want a relationship with.  I’m not ready to be with any one, so no one is it at the moment. The whole experience made me realise what I do and do not want when it comes to men. I had always set the bar way to low not only for me but for myself. I am so much better than I thought I was and capable of achieving much more than I ever dreamed.

I have daughters and a son and  hope through my experiences  I will be a better parent with understanding and supporting  my kids with this sort of stuff when they are older. I really want my girls to know their worth and to never have regrets because even in difficult things, there is always an opportunity to grow and learn. I never want them to be ashamed of themselves or anything they do because we all make mistakes. I want them to know they are beautiful, inside and out.. I hope to encourage them to go for their dreams because they will be capable of anything they put their minds to. Never settle for anything in life, especially a guy because women do not need a man to be happy or fulfilled. I want the same for my son and hope to teach him to respect women, to be thoughtful, consider how they are feeling and treat them really well no matter how casual a relationship is. I want him to never do anything that he would not want done to his own mother or sisters. I want this for my kids because they not only deserve it but I did not have them within myself self. It took me a hell of a lot of hard work and big part of my life to gain these things.

I am thankful for these experiences, lessons and realisations. I am beginning to feel more empowered.

2018, A Fresh New Year!

It’s been a while since I have written and I haven’t done as many blogs lately. Things have been pretty full on recently. I would say this has been both the worst and best year. There has been separation, endings and new beginnings. This year has had many struggles, lessons learnt, re-learned, lots of personal growth and finally finding some self worth. It has had the lowest of lows with anxiety and a the highest of highs with new found energy and sense of self. It is most definitely been a challenging year and I will always remember this year. I will always be thankful for the lessons and letting go of things that no longer serve me, that are no longer good for me. I have always held back so much, but this year was the time I was finally able to be myself, my true authentic self. That is a massive step forward for me. I still have a long way to go but I know I will get there . I’m not usually one for news years resolutions.  I like to have goals all year round but this new year I am going to have some resolutions. I have had a big fall recently and have become stuck in some bad habits. It’s most definitely time to let go of those and move forward, focus on my goals and being the best person I can be. It’s time to rise up again and get on with life. This year I had two tattoos done for the first time. one is a lotus and the other a Phoenix. They are both great symbols of re-birth, rising up and new beginnings. I’m looking forward  to 2018, a fresh new year with many possibilities. Happy New Year everyone! I wish you all happiness, peace, good health, prosperity and lots of laughter.