Men! They can be a woman’s greatest dream, a complete nightmare or something in between. Many of us go through so much of our life wanting to be loved and to find the right guy. Yet as we get older we realise nothing outside of ourselves can fill the gap. A guy isn’t the missing piece in our life. We can only be whole when we realise that we already have all the power, all the strength and all the love with in. Don’t let any one else make you believe otherwise, even that voice inside your head that tries to bring you down. I have had some really valuable lessons with this recently, I thought I knew it well but I guess I still had more to learn and more growing to do.
Last year was an absolute shocker for me with men. It really made me question my worth. I went through a difficult separation with me ex and he went off the rails for a while. Then there was the 11 women guy who pretended he was interested in me and wanted more than just a one-night stands . I was clear I wasn’t ready for anything serious but at the same time wasn’t into meaningless one-night standards. I know I can’t do purely phsycial with out liking the other person at all. It turns out he lied and manipulated me just to get sex and then afterwards cut me off. I was one of eleven women and it t really shook me up at the time I questioned myself because I wasn’t able to tell the difference between what is genuine and what is good acting. I wasn’t in madly in love but I did like him and think he was a decent guy. I didn’t expect much but I wasn’t expecting to be used and discarded like an object. I don’t think a bit of honesty and respect is too much to ask but I guess you can be disappointed no matter how reasonable your expectations are.
Then there was the very drunk one-night stand with a work colleague which turned out to be the worst experience of my life with a guy. I drank a lot, so my memory is a bit patchy but what I remember was not good at all. I know with casual sex there isn’t supposed to be that intimacy or feeling that you have when in a relationships with someone but no matter how casual sex is, a woman still wants to feel wanted, sexy and as though the guy is into her. She wants to enjoy herself too but I didn’t feel any of these things at all. Not one bit of pleasure, it was as though I was just an object. There are other things that occurred which I thought you’d only do if the woman specifically requested but I won’t go into detail about that. Afterwards I feel asleep and woke up at 5am in the car park freezing my arse off. I realised I hadn’t even locked the doors. We had both been drinking, so none of us would have given our best performance. Even though it was terrible, the drinking made it more forgivable. The thing I that found hardest was afterwards he acted different and has been avoiding me ever since. I did try to talk to like normal but his responses were very short, he barely stopped to talk and kept walking away whilst I was still talking. I thought it was quite rude, so I gave up on trying to continue on as normal like it was before anything happened. I don’t have the time of day for anyone that doesn’t have the time for me.
Shit experiences happen, especially when drunk., get over it move on, At least I didn’t have to see the 11 women guy again, it was just harder to do when it was someone I already knew and see regularly. Then add to that, he has the reputation of being the town bike and I was not only one who has had a really bad experience with him. I now know we all our experiences were pretty much the same. For the past five years, I had always liked and respected this person but now that has changed. My perception my have changed but I do not dislike him or think he is a bad person. I do not think either of these guys are bad people. I know everyone has their own issues and is not perfect. I am very far from perfect, therefore I’m not pointing fingers at any one. I was an active participant in these situation and no one can make you feel anything. Our emotions are products our own thought processes. So why blame anyone else when I needed to check myself. I had to look into why these experiences where such triggers for me. The only person I have control over and the ability to change is myself. How, when and if these guys do any self-work is their business, it is not mine or any one else’s. It’s not place or any one else’s to judge.
Last year may have been a difficult year but I have a lot be thankful for. Obviously for kids, family, friends, good health, having a job etc; but I am also thankful for all the difficult people and experiences in my life. They have made me stronger, more certain of who I am and gain a stronger sense of self-worth. Now I wonder why I was letting anyone make me feel insecure. The way they were is a reflection of them; it was not a reflection of me or any of the other women. It does not say anything about us; it says everything about them and who they are. The way I dealt with it and reacted says everything about me and where I was at the time.
I was aware things like this happen and that many women in their late teens and early 20’s experience this sort of thing, along with casual sex and dating. Here I am at 37 years old and I can say well I have now experienced dating and casual sex. When I joined up to do online dating, I did it for the experience because I had always just jumped into relationships too quickly, with the first person who came along and never took the time to look around. I wanted the experience of meeting different men and consciously not jumping. That is exactly what I did (for dinner and coffee, not sex) and I met some nice people but none of them were it or any one I would want a relationship with. I’m not ready to be with any one, so no one is it at the moment. The whole experience made me realise what I do and do not want when it comes to men. I had always set the bar way to low not only for me but for myself. I am so much better than I thought I was and capable of achieving much more than I ever dreamed.
I have daughters and a son and hope through my experiences I will be a better parent with understanding and supporting my kids with this sort of stuff when they are older. I really want my girls to know their worth and to never have regrets because even in difficult things, there is always an opportunity to grow and learn. I never want them to be ashamed of themselves or anything they do because we all make mistakes. I want them to know they are beautiful, inside and out.. I hope to encourage them to go for their dreams because they will be capable of anything they put their minds to. Never settle for anything in life, especially a guy because women do not need a man to be happy or fulfilled. I want the same for my son and hope to teach him to respect women, to be thoughtful, consider how they are feeling and treat them really well no matter how casual a relationship is. I want him to never do anything that he would not want done to his own mother or sisters. I want this for my kids because they not only deserve it but I did not have them within myself self. It took me a hell of a lot of hard work and big part of my life to gain these things.
I am thankful for these experiences, lessons and realisations. I am beginning to feel more empowered.