My last blog I wrote about my online dating experience. Overall it has been quite a negative experience. It’s been a difficult year. Separating from my ex was a very intense and stressful time. It has just become clear to me that I was a bit shattered and fucked up from some of the things that have happened this year. I felt like I was bleeding out and no matter how I tried I couldn’t stop the bleeding.
Those that follow my blogs would have read ’13 Reasons Why’ ’and you would know I went through sexual assault as a child, bullying in high school and domestic violence in a previous relationship. I thought I had moved on from it all and had become a strong, independent and fulfilled woman. I guess some-how it’s all accumulated along with everything that has happened this year. I think maybe I have moved on and I am that strong independent, fulfilled woman. It’s just been a difficult year and will take time to heal.
I’ve been pushing myself to be the best Mum I can be, to go to work, to keep up with my fitness goals, writing and community causes. From the outside all might have looked well, but on the inside, I was really struggling. I felt like I’m dying. I had done so many high intensity classes at the gym recently to try and help with the emotion I was feeling, yet no matter how much I did, there like an open wound that wouldn’t heal. Usually focusing on helping others helped me feel I’m doing something worthwhile, yet recently there were many times I could not even help myself.
It does not help that I recently had a reaction to the rod. The doctor did not tell me the rod can mess with your hormones. I spent a couple of weeks with intense anxiety due to the rod. I couldn’t believe how on edge I was. I felt a combination of wanting drink half a bottle of Jack Daniels, punch a punching bag and randomly burst into to tears. It was so intense and when I looked at my hand they were trembling/shaking, probably from nerves. I had to stay a strong Mum for the kids, so I cried tears in private.
I did not know what I could do to get past that difficult patch, except for just waiting for it to pass. I lay on my bed; the house was a bomb and the kids running crazy. I just kept getting back up and pushing through. I had to remember not to be too hard on myself, there’s no shame in being affected by all this things. I think any one else in the same shoes would be. I had to believe it won’t last forever and I had to remember to look for the lessons and the lesson was to never forget my self-worth, no matter what any-one else does and no matter how any-one else treats me. I have to know it is not a reflection of me, it is a reflection of them. I had to remember I am strong and that each time some-one has hurt me or treated me poorly, I have always risen stronger, like a Phoenix. So I just have to keep trying to channel this emotion appropriately and not let myself get to down and not let myself do anything silly. I have to stay strong not just for me but for my kids sake. I’m a big believer in karma and treating others the way you want to be treated. Nothing any one does or says is going to stop me wanting to be a good person.
I continued focusing on my goals and my causes. I’ even started doing some pastel drawings recently. Yesterday I helped out a Bunnings BBQ fundraiser for the Central Coast White Ribbon Committee. We are also organising a White Ribbon movie night fundraiser and I have just been asked to be on the board for Care for the Coast. We have lots of new ideas to discuss for Care for the Coast which I’m excited about. A lot of good stuff is happening and all these negative experiences have made me a stronger and better person. I can look back and say to all the men na and people who have been arsehole’s in my life, hey you made me a better and stronger person. You may have knocked the wind out of me but you will never stop me flying, I will always rise. At the end of the day the way some on treats some one says more about them than the other person.
Yesterday the gap seemed much less and the heaviness began to lift. I am coming back to my usual happy and full of energy self. Sometimes when we go through hard times and experience difficult emotions, we just have to acknowledge it. Make sure we aren’t too hard on ourselves, try and channel the emotion in a good way and just wait it out. It will pass. I have decided to get another tattoo. This time it will be a Phoenix. It is not only a great symbol of rising from the ashes but it is also my beautiful sons name. I am getting it next Saturday, I just have to decide where I will get it. I’m thinking maybe on my ankle.