One thing that I’ve felt lacking in my life is a connection with a man, there was a real lack of connection in my last relationship. So I decided to try on line dating. It is something I never thought I would do. It has been an interesting experience. After having four kids and separating I thought I wouldn’t get any interest but I was more than wrong. I have had so many messages I can’t keep up with them. I was taken a back at how I could possibly be getting so many messages.
I am quite often asked questions like ‘what are you looking for, what do you want and what do you like in a guy.’ Which I had not really put much thought into that because I hadn’t thought much past wanting a connection. It’s been a great learning experience I’ve learnt a lot about myself and what I do and don’t want. I think I must have been the biggest fucking naivest idiot out there when it comes to online dating. My last relationship was ten years and the one before was five years. Before those long-term relationships, I had a couple of shorter relationships but had never ever dated in my life. Dating is a totally new thing for me, so I suppose I can’t blame myself for being so clueless about it.
Here are some of the things I have learned so far with my online dating experience:
- Create a username that is not too close to your actual name, otherwise people will be able to find you on social media.
- Do not give out your snap chat, Kik or any other of your offsite apps or social media accounts. That is unless you want to receive unsolicited dick pics.
- It is a given that there would be some sleaze bags on dating sites but you also should be aware of the guys who think they are in love with you but have never met you or the ones you meet once for coffee and then they instantly want to marry you, think they are in love with you or want a full on serious relationship. I did meet a guy online, who never had even met me but wanted me to be his wife. I also met a nutter for coffee. We did not even kiss or anything on the date but he straight away wanted a serious relationship with me and he barely even knew me. He messaged me to tell me about this intense sex dream he had where in the middle of sex I had a panic attack, went blue and died. Then when I did not want to be with him, he turned nasty. Said I didn’t know what I was missing out on, that I would end up bitter and twisted. I received many intense, nasty and judgemental messages. He still deletes accounts and messages me from new accounts. I have a friend who did online dating and she met a guy who decided he wanted to have her baby and she was also pick up by a date for the first time and was driven to a hotel. Her date wanted her to go up to the hotel room, which she refused.
- Be prepared for the weirdo’s. I had the nappy guy messaging me. In his profile he was only wearing a nappy and his profile said he enjoys nappy wearing and has other fetishes. There are a lot of strange people doing online dating. I have another friend who is still currently online dating and on one of her first dates the guy turned the music up full ball and danced around the room naked.
- Always meet a guy thinking the motto ‘all guys are cunts’ that way you will never be disappointed and if you happen to meet a good one, then you will be pleasantly surprised. There are a lot of guys on these dating sites who are just wanting one thing. Some are very up front about it, others are more like wolves in sheep’s clothing. I thought I had maybe met someone. Now I have no idea why I even thought that. I actually liked him and thought he was a decent guy, now I have no idea why I liked him but at the time I did. With hindsight I can now see I barely knew him at all. I wasn’t under any illusion it would be something serious. He lived far away and I only have very limited kid free time. I’m also very cautious about jumping into anything with any one. I have the kids to consider and don’t want to be bringing men into their lives unless I’m certain it is something serious. I actually found it a bit scary to feel something for someone because I had not felt for so long. That’s where my mistake was, getting too caught up in feelings and not seeing things as they were. That is why I was so not expecting him to suddenly brush me of after we slept together. I thought we would probably see each other a few more times, I was prepared it may not have been a longer term thing because of the distance and limited kids free days. Not wanting to see me after having sex is one thing. The thing that got me the most was that he was not clear about his intentions in the beginning. I was very clear that I did not want just a fling, he knew that but that didn’t stop him. Then after we had sex, he did not say he was not interested in seeing me any more. Instead he kept giving excuses that he was sick, that he was not in a good head space and wasn’t good company to be around yet he was still able to chat with and organise dates and have sex with lots of other women. He just could have been honest and up front and there would have been no problem, I would have just moved on and got over it quickly. I did have a lot of other guys wanting to meet me, it’s not as though he was my only option. I did not expect much at all from him, just some honesty and respect. However he not only lied, he intentionally manipulated and used me just for sex. When he could have had sex any way because there are plenty of women out there who also want just sex. My mistake was automatically assuming other people would treat me like I treat them. The moment some one resorts to manipulation and dishonesty to get what they want, then they lose all credibility with me. I think you should treat people the way you would like to be treated and guys should never do anything to women that they wouldn’t want done to their own mother’s, sisters, daughters etc.
- This probably a pretty obvious one, but if you plan to have sex with someone early on, then always expect it to be a fling, that way you won’t be disappointed. I know it sounds old fashioned but if you really do like someone, wait a little bit before having sex and that way you will be more likely to weed out the ones who just want one thing. If a guy really likes you, then he would be happy to wait. So I have decided I will not be rushing to have sex with any body and will wait until I find some one who really likes me. I now have a six week minimum rule if I meet some one and no drinking rule on first dates because I went on a date where I wasn’t actually interested in the guy, until I had a few drinks and then he suddenly became more interesting, lol. If you just want to go and have sex, then this doesn’t apply, just go and have fun. Hoping I can stick to my rules.
- If a guy is not making the effort to be in your life, then just disappear. If you think they are brushing you off, trust that instinct, they probably are. People make time for those who matter. People text and prioritise the people that matter. Never believe anyone who says they are too busy or who have stuff going on. In this day and age with smart phones, there’s no reason a person can’t text or reply. It would have to be damn serious if they couldn’t. Don’t wait around for any one or chase any one. You deserve better and there are guys out there that will treat you better.
- Don’t be a stalker. I know it’s exciting to meet some you like. Just don’t get carried away. You need to find your own happiness with in. No one can do that for you. Once you find that happiness then you won’t need approval from guys or any one else. Guys like girls who are interesting and not waiting around for them with nothing better to do. Having a life, friends, goals and personal interests is interesting. Being overly emotionally, needing constant attention and bombarding with constant messages makes guys run for the hills. If you find yourself doing that, you need to have a look at yourself and ask why? Why am I so needy? Why do I have trouble trusting things will work out how they are meant to? Why can’t I fill my time with more interesting and constructive things?
- When online dating you can’t please every one. No matter what you do, there will always be some one who gets the shits at you. Just be yourself and do what feels right for you. Don’t do anything your not comfortable with. ust be honest and tactful. No matter what you do, expect some guy to be annoyed. You can’t date every one you meet online, so naturally the ones you don’t want to date are going to a little sensitive over rejection. Do your best to be polite, honest yet tactful. Your best won’t be good enough for everyone but it’s good enough for you. No one can do any more than their best.
- Always remember to take the bad with the good when it comes to online dating. Enjoy the good and see the bad as learning experiences and opportunity for self-growth. Most of all, always remember your sense of humour and to laugh at yourself. I’m always laugh my arse off at myself and some of the things I do and say.
I think no matter how you meet a person, you are always putting yourself out there and you will never know how it will work out. At least I am clearer about what I do and don’t want. I know I don’t want to sleep around, I want something with a bit of meaning but at the same time it doesn’t have to be anything serious, I don’t believe in marriage and forever. One thing I know is I want someone who is honest, decent, genuine and who wants to get to know me as a person and for who I am. So far I have done such an awesome job of picking nice, genuine guys, I’ll have to give myself a big pat on the back (inserts sarcasm.) Fingers crossed I have better luck with future guys and make better choices.