Externally together, internally struggling!

This is hard for me to write about, because 98e6bb787213267e648dfb1a9613ab0ewhen I write I start thinking and all this emotion rises to the surface. It was the night before moving day and I was doing some finally packing when I came across our wedding day box. I have good memories of that day. I really enjoyed everything about it. From organising the unique and special details to sharing the ceremony and reception with friends and family. Separating is not something I ever envisioned or expected. There’s many times over the past few months I nearly gave in but I knew if I did then in another 10 years time we’d be in the same or worse a boat. I even thought after moving out and after having some space we might actually work out.

So far in regards to the split, I have only written about my personal experience, my reflections and owning up to my part in why things went wrong. I intentionally kept quiet about the other person. I’ve mentioned before that I did this out of respect but also because I don’t want to air dirty laundry. The other reason is because I do have people we both know that read my blog. I want to do the right thing and not speak badly about any one. Yet I’ve held so much in and I need to get some of it out. My family, good friends and some people who chose to follow me are on this page. My writing is about my experience, I’ve always said there are three sides to a story. This blog is my story, you don’t have to agree with me but if you aren’t truly interested in my story and what I have to say, then I don’t know why you are even following me. I just had to say that.

It has been an incredibly difficult and intense year for all of us. I think I’ve aged a few years in just the space of a few month. He took the break up very hard and was not in a good space at all. It was actually quite scary at times and the guilt weighed heavily on me. It still does. It was very obvious to any one who saw or spoke to him that he was not coping well. Where as I didn’t so much speak about it or show my struggles. It gave the illusion I was doing ok but I was internally struggling and when everything becomes too much I just go numb, shut down and going in to auto pilot. They were just two different people coping with things in different ways. We both work at the same place, that has been difficult. We aren’t in the same room, but we pass by each other regularly. Seeing him at work hasn’t been so bad, the hardest thing I found was that every one knew us and he was the one who was clearly showing how he was affected. I have felt judged, judged for being a woman, judged for being the younger woman and judged for suddenly leaving such a good bloke. The work place is not the only place I have felt this. There have been many times I’ve just wanted to crawl under a rock and hide. I’ve been battling not only for my own self worth, to feel I am a good and decent human being but I’ve also been battling to try to let the rest of the world bother me. I know what any one else thinks doesn’t matter, but it does get to you sometimes when you’re not feeling that good about yourself any way.

All I can say is there are two of us who have a lot of self work to do. The kids and I are in a better space now. We live just around the corner from their father and they see him regularly. Being so close, they were able to stay in the same school and pre-school, so there wasn’t any disruption there. I am relieved to not be around some one who is perpetually cranky, tired and always snipping. I can now breath to manage my anxiety in a better way instead of being around some one who triggers it and who is not only unable to support me when I have anxiety but who doesn’t want to have to deal with it. The kids are also doing well and are happy here. They do not have to hear all the time ‘you are making sick’, ‘you are giving me a headache’, ‘you are destroying me’ etc. It is not a healthy thing for them to hear all the time. My Mum used to often say ‘oh that’s silly’ and I actually thought I was silly. I carried feeling silly for such a long time. When I very first talked the kids about having two homes, one with Mummy and one with Daddy. They thought it was a great idea. My eldest even said ‘Daddy will think that is a great idea because we always upset him and give him a head ache.’ In more recent months the kids have witnessed some scary behaviours and have heard me be called names and accused of things that are not true. I put all that down to being upset and hurt by the separation. It doesn’t make it ok though. We have a good routine here, they are going to bed easily, they have none of the behaviours they did before moving. They do not draw on walls or break things here like they did before. I am finding it much easier on my own. It has always been that way because our parenting styles are on different planets. It not only is confusing for the kids but at also caused some unhealthy relationships and atrocious behaviour. I think it is normal to have kids favour one parent over another at times. I think it is normal for there to be a firmer and softer parent. What happens when favouring goes to the extreme and is like obsession? What happens when one parent has been the bad person for years when they were just trying to get a bit of order and routine. What happens when such different styles creates more chaos and difficult behaviour? Thankfully I am no longer the bad person.  My relationship with the kids is now better, we are connecting more and becoming closer. Now I just have to focus on healing and our wellbeing. I have been going to counselling for the past couple of months. My eldest is seeing a psychologist to help with manage her emotions and behaviour. She went of the rails recently at school but is much better now. My parents, closest friends and the school are in full support of her getting some help.

In saying this I  have always thought you to be a kind hearted, gentle soul who would do anything for any one. You always wanted to be loved. You craved love and affection, we both did. My ex was a very controlling person. He was emotionally abusive and even physical at times. You are nothing like him, you are gentle and compassionate. I have never said a bad thing about you and I only want the best for you. On wards and up wards for us all. It will take time to heal but there is not reason why we all can’t get on well, the kids have a good relationship with you and we all can live a happy and fulfilling life, it just may not end up being together. At the end of the day I have to do what is best for the happiness and wellbeing, not only of myself but also the kids. So if I’m so called the bad one for leaving, the one who’s ripping the family apart, then so be it. I know I am doing my best and my best is all I can do. That is all any one can do.

 

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