Hello world, will you say hello to me again?

meThis is a pic of me snuggled in bed, it’s nearly 3:30am and I had fallen asleep on the lounge mid writing this blog. I had a particularly difficult day at work today. I’ve implied in previous blogs that I’m currently going though a difficult time but haven’t gone into too much detail out of respect for any one else who is involved. It has been intense for months now and in typical me style I’ve been plodding along, trying to get on with it and do the things that need to be done. Regardless of how you feel or what is happening, life still goes on. I was shaken up on Friday night and also over the weekend due to seeing a phone pointing at me from outside the window when I was in the shower. It is a high frosted window that was right next to the bath tub/shower, however the window was open about 20cm and the last thing I would have thought or expected was some one to be at the window pointing a phone at me in the shower. Who knows whether they were taking a video or photos, but I found it very disturbing and wondered whether it was the first time that had happened or not. Whether they had seen the kids and whether it was some one I knew or not. The police came out and they were going to do a report but there was not much more they could do.

I’m moving next Friday, the separation stuff has been a lot to deal with but then today at work I picked up from staff that they weren’t happy with me and they had both even said something to me. So I decided to apologise for not being so present, however I was unprepared for the extent of the response I got when I apologised. I have well-trained myself in holding it together but today I guess I allowed myself to be human and I broke down and cried. I was mortified at the level of frustration I had caused. How much I was not present while at work and instead in my own world. I had always been so motivated, full of ideas, conscientious and gave 150%. I knew i had been off, especially over the past few months. It has been an intense time in my personal life, but I didn’t realise the extent it had affected me at work. Generally speaking, I think we as people way underestimate ourselves. We judge ourselves too harshly and the standard we put on ourselves is much harsher then we put on others. I think we are much more forgiving of others than of ourselves. I know I am much more forgiving others and very hard on myself. That’s why I find criticism hard to take and the realisation that other staff had been shouldering more of the responsibility, that I was unapproachable and in my own world. I think it was one of those cases where you a blind to your own faults. I think honest self-reflection is the hardest things to do. My first reaction was anger, hurt and the wanting to give 50 million reason why I was the way I was, but in reality we are responsible with how we think, feel and act. So despite it being hard to digest, I knew there was some truth in it and that truth just required me to honestly take on board the criticism,  I didn’t have to accept all of it but self honesty requires me to accept and take responsibility for whatever I saw when I was honest with myself. It’s ironic this has happened, because I always found it so frustrating when people at work had on going issues, couldn’t get it together and weren’t pulling their weight. An occasional bad day was ok but I never understood when it was just ongoing but now the shoe seems to be on the other foot. I am now doing what I judged. I think karma must have bitten me on the arse again. Yes karma seems to bitten me on the arse before but I won’t write about karma right now. All I can do is thank you to the person who was honest with me today. Thank you because you’ve motivated me to have a few drinks and relax. Thank you because you’ve allowed me to re-evaluate myself and after tonight, I’ll decide what I’m going to take on board and what I won’t. Most of all, you have allowed me to once again, spend a moment feeling down but ultimately you have helped me to rise up again to be the best person I can be and I thank you so much for that.

So I allowed myself to cry in front of people for once. I even allowed myself to be human for once. It’s not something I usually show to other people. I think I need to let go and allow myself to be human more often. It was not that long ago I wrote a post on my page about how I no longer binge drink. Well that is still true, but tonight I am ok to say ‘I’ve had a few drinks to relax’. It was 9:30pm and I even drove to the bottle shop with wet hair and in my pj’s. I had bought some Johnny walker and dry and salt n vinegar chips. Which I came home to drink, eat, watch Netflix and write this blog. Even Steve said ‘I’ve never seen you go out anywhere in your pyjama’s.’ The guy at the bottle shop was good, he said ‘It’s ok, it’s night-time, people come in here in the day time in their pyjamas. Any way the point is, being spiritual or healthy or whatever, does not require you to be perfect. Maybe you eat well and exercise most of the time, maybe you even meditate but at the end of the day we are all imperfect and there are times we can’t see our own faults, There are times we don’t stick to the diet, the exercise, the non-drinking. Whatever it may be, we all have those human moments. You know what, that is ok. So what if I did not make it to Zumba tonight. So what if I had a few drinks and watched Netflix. I’m only human and although the majority of the time I don’t think I’m doing too badly , a night like tonight is ok. There are a lot worse things I could be doing, I think I’m pretty tame. Being spritual is about being human. It is not about being perfect, it is about being real and dealing with each moment in the moment and in the best way you can. As much as I consider myself as spiritual person, I’m not going to waffle on about how well I’ve been dealing with my life. how I’ve been meditating, eating fantastically, exercising and being a so-called awesome spritual role model. Sorry to disappoint but I’m not doing going to do that. I can’t write and make out to be something I’m not. I’m just going to be me, to be real  and do my best.

It’s too easy to blame my life and the way I am on everyone else and everything else. My mother was never able to be emotionally present or show affection, my father’s behaviour distressed me as a child but I can no longer blame my parents. Yes child sexual abuse, bullying and domestic violence also has a deep impact on a person. I think it added to my tendency to be anxious and I only just recently discovered I have a tendency to dissociate as a coping mechanism. When people are dissociating they disconnect from their memories, surroundings, their thoughts and feelings which can stop the trauma memories and lower fear, anxiety and shame. Dissociation can be caused by trauma, especially childhood trauma. I have a shocking tendency to dissociate, shut down and want to escape. So often I’ve been physically present and on autopilot but not really there. I know it must be frustrating for others and I don’t want to be like that. Earlier this year I wrote about awakening and I’m still slowly awakening. Yes some of it is has been exciting and energising, especially when I wrote about awakening, but a lot has also been very difficult. I have written before about the lotus and I think of how the lotus blooms. It also think I am finally starting to open up and have potential to bloom. Every night when I go to have a shower my lotus tattoo reminds me of this. However in opening up, I have really thought and felt some of the things I had been repressing. I realise to the extent of how shut down and numb I had been. I now see all that time I felt something was wrong with me and people weren’t interested in me was actually in fact because I had created that myself. I didn’t let any one in, I was shut down and unapproachable.  I have a long way to go but I also think I’ve come a long way. I may be going through stuff, we all are to some extent but at the end of the day I take responsibility for me short coming, all I can be is thankful to the people who have brought some things to my attention, it has helped me to be a better person, a better work colleague. Finally it has given me another lesson in self forgiveness. I may have been shut down for a while but I’m coming back. I have spent a life time being too hard on myself and now I’m choosing to be more forgiving of myself. I think we all need to be a littler gentler and forgiving of ourselves.

There seems to be a lot of awareness these days surrounding mental health, domestic violence, post-natal support etc. I find awareness is good, but personally a lot of the things I went through I found very isolating. Not even those closest to me were really able give the support I needed. It’s sort of a catch 22 though, there’s all this awareness around but a lot of people struggling with these things shut down into their own inner world. It can be frustrating for the people around them.  Now that I’m coming out the other end of a lot things. It is as though I am saying hello again to the world. Will the world say hello back to me after being shut down for so long? I think we attract what we focus on, what we give we get back. So maybe the world will say hello back but I just have to say to the world is, don’t give up on people like me. Please don’t get frustrated, ignore us or give up on trying. We may not be able to interact with you and world like you think we should but just knowing you are there is enough. I know our walls are hard to penetrate but knowing people are there helps us to feel less isolated. It is good to know every one hasn’t abandoned us and that when we are ready to reach out and move forward, there will be people there.

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