A lot of my blogs are about daily things with kids, health or things that I have experienced in the past.
Some were struggles, but I had over come them, therefore in a better position to reflect and write. I am always a bit hesitant to write about things I am currently going through. I love to write, yet I also like my privacy and I also want to protect the privacy of any one else who may be currently involved. So it is a bit hard for me to write about some of the things that are happening in my life at the moment. Perceptions can become a bit messed up when people are hurting and when their friends and families are concerned for them. It’s easy to find a scapegoat to blame for everything. Especially when it comes to the break down of a relationship. Both people usually have their sides to the story and those close to each person mainly see the side of the person they are close to. However both sides are valid and there is always a third side that is somewhere in between both sides.
In all honesty I think the person who my relationship has broken down with, I believe at heart he is a good man. He would do anything for any one and usually puts himself last. He may not have understood the breakdown, I did try to explain and I think I did a pretty crappy job in trying to communicate. However being hurt and not understanding doesn’t make him faultless or an innocent by stander in the breakdown. There’s a lot that has happened over the years that a lot of people aren’t even aware of, even some closest don’t truly know every thing that has happened and I’m not about to air our dirty laundry or point fingers. Believe there me there are behaviour patterns that I can not live with that have contributed to me shutting down, but I’m not going to go into that. What I am going to do is put my hand up and say yes I am partly to blame too. I am very far from perfect.
I am sorry that we couldn’t never get past the point of day to day functions when we talked
I am sorry that whenever we tried to talk for some reason it would go pear shaped
I’m sorry that I shut down even more. I just couldn’t bring myself to speak, it was too painful to keep going through the misunderstandings and both our defensiveness.
I’m sorry that I was practically an a-sexual. Maybe that was due to my past or maybe it just wasn’t right for me, who knows.
I just couldn’t force something that wasn’t happening naturally and I no longer want to feel something is wrong with me when there isn’t.
I’m sorry I couldn’t show you the affection that you so much craved
I don’t think I was capable of truly loving
I don’t think either of us were
I can blame it on my past, we can both blame it on our pasts
We both have a lot of self work to do
But I know I can not always blame every thing else because it is my responsibility to begin to make positive changes
Changes so I can stop being on autopilot and further come out of the box and allow myself to be me
So I can one day truly love and connect with some one and no longer love out of need
To take the time the get to actually get to know a person before always diving in the deep end with out a thought.
I have no regrets being with you
Just because something doesn’t last forever, it doesn’t make it a bad decision
It was the right decision at the time.
Initially your gentleness and acceptance allowed me to heal from my previous relationship
I am grateful for our beautiful children
But I couldn’t continue on being so shut down with myself locked away
Longing for affection and connection but unable to share that with the person I was supposed to be with
I know life is tiring and stressful with four young kids
But the sense of dying inside went beyond the normal stress from having kids
I know marriage and the family unit are often valued as the ideal in our society
As something that that you put above all else
But what happens when it is put above our own souls?
What happens when it is above our own happiness?
Wanting to be happy is not selfish
What sort of message are we sending our children about women and motherhood if they are living with a mother who isn’t full-filled, who is shut down and always on autopilot?
What sort of message are we sending our children if they live with parents who merely exist side by side. Who live in silence and who day in day out internally carry their frustration about the relationship with them?
As I get older I have begun to realise the family unit is pretty much a thing created by our western society.
We all struggle quietly on our own, where as in the past it was more community and village focused. Some cultures and places around the world are still more village like and I don’t necessarily mean a physical village.
I think the family unit is not always the best option
The best thing for each family is the option that is best for everyone’s well-being
It is the option where every one is happiest and gets along the best.
There are many types of families that work. There’s not only blended families and adopted families but there’s also gay couples. They are all valid families.
In saying all this, I still do believe in love and marriage.
I think the family unit is important and worth fighting for, but holding onto it when it isn’t working because of societies values isn’t beneficial for any one.
I don’t know if I would ever get married again, when I was younger I needed to be with some one and wanted to get married to feel complete but now I don’t need to be with some one to feel complete.
I may have experienced something dying but I still believe in love, I always will. I think I will always wear my heart on my sleeve.
I just want the best for both of us. For both us to truly be happy.
As hard as it is now, things always have a way of working out
I believe with space we will actually get along better and be better people
I may be judged for the things that are happening between us
You may be judged also
But other peoples judgements and opinions don’t matter
No one else knows what happens behind closed doors
No one else knows what is in a persons heart
No one else knows a person better than they know themselves
Only we know deep with in ourselves what is right for us and what is not right.
I may get crucified for writing this but so be it
This is me being open, honest, raw
Not every one is going to like it when I truly be me and try to express myself
But this is me, this my experience and people can take it or leave it