Crisis or Awakening?

Sorry I have been a bit MIA lately. I have been having a bit of an interesting time. It’s hard to describe but I’ll do my best to explain. The mid life crisis is well known and talked about. So are the baby blues and the difficult teenage years. However it seems life has many little crisis’s or rite of passages along the way. The more talked about difficult times usually aren’t talked about in much depth. Well all know they exist but if we haven’t gone through it, it is hard to come across information about what it is really like on an emotional, mental and even spiritual level. When I was pregnant I went through this deep inner turmoil. Yes it is normal to wonder whether everything will be ok. It is normal to worry about finances and if you will be a good parent but it went much deeper than this. I was not only  a bit hormonal, emotional and stressed but the very core of my being was questioning ‘who am I’, ‘have I made the right choices in life’. However this point of personal crisis caused me to do s some deep soul searching and character building. It is as this baby was coming was going to push me to what I thought would be another rock bottom but that rock bottom became catalyst for me to overcome my struggles and work towards the best person I can be. It is like I died and then came out the other side and when I came out the other side I was a better person than beforehand. I went into a week long personal crisis before my first wedding. It’s normal to get anxiety but my anxiety was through the roof and the night before I drank so much I had a hang over on my wedding day. In hindsight I can see it was my intuition telling me getting married wasn’t the right thing to do.  I became quite broken during my first marriage, it’s like I died but I was reborn stronger after I left.

I have many experiences like this in my life where I have a personal crisis, a lot of them would be considered to have happened during or leading up to an important rite of passage, my teenage years and postpartum are good examples but I have also had these personal crisis’s when it is not a typical rite of passage. For example when I left the church and decided that I wasn’t Christian, but I was still spiritual and I believed in God. It was very unnerving. I felt as though the rug had been pulled from underneath my feet and I needed something to grasp onto. I questioned everything I ever believed and who I was, only to come out the other side more confident in who I am and clear in what I believe.

Well recently I feel I’ve had the rug pulled from under my feet again. I was plodding along with daily life and a couple of months ago I got back into my meditation practise. I have also managed to finally pass the exercise threshold from it being a struggle, a chore, to actually keeping up and feeling my overall energy levels increase. I am now doing Zumba three times a week, often exercise at home and want to do more. I have never in my life wanted to do exercise before. In high school I was always one of the students who chose to sit and write lines over exercise. So it’s a great achievement for some one like me to finally get to this point with exercise. I know I wrote about just reaching this point before Christmas but then Christmas happened and it all went out the window. I’m happy to stay I reached this point again and it hasn’t been so short lived this time.

Meditation and self healing practise was such an integral part of my life before kids and I missed it greatly. Since I began meditating again a couple of months ago, I have felt brighter, more connected, in tune with myself and have much greater clarity. Everything was going along all fine and dandy until a few weeks ago when it seemed a rug had been pulled out from underneath my feet again. It is as though the meditation, self healing and exercise has caused blockages to release and things to come to the surface. I can see who I am meant to be and what I’m meant to be doing. That is a good thing because that after my third baby when I went through a crisis and didn’t know who I was. My creativity had died and so had my passions and creativity. I no longer knew what I wanted to do but it was all reborn when I came out the other end.  Now it’s my relationships that feel like a rug has been pulled and I’m dangling in space waiting to feel something, to think something, for some type of guidance because at the moment I can’t see or feel when it comes to relationships. So I just have to keep going on and being the best Mum I can be, be the best me I can be, keep up the meditation, keep up the self healing and exercise. Then one day it will become clear and I will just know. We all go through things like this in different ways. We just don’t really talk about it. I don’t think they are really crisis’s, I think they awakenings. Awakening to who you really are and letting go of things that no longer serve you.

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