This is a pic of me and my two eldest girls at the races today. It was a good day with family and friends. We all got soft serve ice cream from Maccas on the way home and then the kids went in the little pool they got for Christmas. All the kids are in bed except for Shalia who will be going soon and then I will be having a couple of JD’s and watching Netflix. Obviously NYE isn’t what it used to be but JD and Netflix is still good when your a busy Mum of four young kids. It’s finally me time or occasionally time with Steve in peace and quiet while all the kids sleep.
I have been seeing a lot of posts on Facebook about how 2016 has been a bad year and how people can’t wait for it to be over. I do have friends who have suffered loss and hardship and it’s no competition as to had the crappiest year but across the board it seems many are happy to say good bye to 2016 and looking with hope to 2017 to be a better year.
For me I wouldn’t say my year was crappy. Parts were, such as another car crashing into Steve and then the car being written off, but he was ok and that is most important. Loosing my Nana is something that I could say was crappy but I was at peace with that. For me death isn’t final, it’s like moving from one state to another or from one room to another. Nana was a medium, a brilliant medium who was booked out six days a week and read for celebrities for a long time. We used to talk about spiritual things and death. Nana used to say to me ‘we both know when you die, you aren’t really gone.’ Of all the people that have passed over the years, I thought I’d connect with her after she passed but that didn’t happen. She is practically the only person I didn’t connect with, except for her presence that I felt at her memorial. Initially I was surprised but now I know we will connect again at some point and the lack of connection with my Nana is also a part of my journey at the moment.
It may sound found strange, but I think my journey was into my own darkness. To face it, even embrace it. We all have a shadow self but we don’t like to acknowledge it. However what we repress and what we fear has power over us. I could go on and write a major essay about how I faced my shadow and for the first the time I was empowered. That hat is another blog though. What I will say is now I feel more comfortable in who I am and I feel an inner strength I have never had before. I even think I finally feel like a person. It’s hard to describe but a few months ago I had an experience which can be described like light switch being switched on. I went from not feeling not connected and not feeling, to suddenly feeling switched on and connected. From feeling I am not present to being more present.
What next? I don’t know. After so long being too hard on myself and also nearly seven years of either being pregnant or breastfeeding. I just want to enjoy life a bit and yes I have been drinking a bit (not right now, I mean drinking recently, lol) and you know what, I’m ok with that. I return to work 2 days a week in a couple of weeks. Shalia goes into year 1, Phoenix starts day care and will go with Indigo on the days I’m working. It will be the first year I don’t have goals. For the first time I’m just letting myself be where I’m at. There’s a first for everything…..
Happy New Year 2017!